One morning last month, I woke up to a Facebook post by an online friend of mine, Marianne Cantwell, the author of the bestselling book, Free Range Humans. She was talking about personal ‘default’ settings, the stuff that is programmed into us as ‘regular’ or ‘normal’, or ‘how it’s supposed to be’.
On your laptop, the default settings aren’t what you would use to get the most from your software, to do something unique, or something special. They are sometimes the path of least resistance, but can cause frustration in the long run. The same goes for personal default settings.
Marianne introduced me to this quote from Steve Jobs:
There are default settings that are programmed into most of us who come from the middle class:
- Do well in high school.
- Graduate from university or college.
- Get a job or go on to more post-graduate training.
- Get a job.
- Turn that job into a career.
These default settings can also be called expectations. Failing to live up to expectations, be they personal, familial or societal, causes angst. But what if we let go of those expectations and chose other things to guide our decision-making processes?
Once I let go of my personal default settings, all that existential anxiety about what I am supposed to do with my life was gone. Once Derek and I let go of what the kids’ schooling was supposed to look like, more opportunities presented themselves. And once we let go of the default, work 8+ hours per day 49 weeks per year, and all the guilt that is associated with not working a regular workweek – yes, I felt guilty – then we were free to use that creative energy to improve the quality of the time we spent both at work and at play.
What on earth are you saying Liisa?
I’m saying, living abroad with kids in Costa Rica has changed us. Here’s how:
1) Living abroad has taught us not to sweat the small stuff
Some time after I graduated from university, my dad gave me the book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, a gift which is probably telling about what I was feeling at that time. I recognized the message, but in short, it didn’t get through to the part of my brain that needed it.
Living in a place far from the support systems of family and friends, in a country with an infrastructure that presents almost daily frustrations navigated in another language, has changed our way of looking at life. We have had daily practice at letting go of things we cannot control and focusing on things that matter.
I can say without a shadow of doubt, that today, the small (and even some of the big stuff) is no sweat at all.
2) We are more open and we learn from everyone we meet
We have opened ourselves up to hundreds of new people from all walks of life, from all socioeconomic situations, from all over the world, and we have learned so much from them. We learn:
- about ourselves in the way we react to people
- about our culture and theirs
- new ways of doing (or not doing) things
- to see things from a variety of perspectives
3) We accepted that our ideas about how our children should be educated were wrong
We went through many ups and downs with schools in Costa Rica. Neither Derek or I enjoyed traditional school yet somehow we thought it was best for our children to learn the way we did. We were wrong.
Our children, and likely many children, thrive when they are given flexibility, freedom and encouragement. For us, that means continuing with ‘alternative’ education for the time being, no matter where in the world we are.
4) We got to know each other and learn what is most important to each member of the family’s emotional well-being
Stripping away routines, support systems, coping mechanisms and familiarity, helps to expose what you really need to feel fulfilled. As a family, we got to know each other more deeply and learned how to support each other in getting our needs met. For example, I learned that I absolutely need time to myself, away from the whole family, and I need time with my girlfriends. I wasn’t as clear on how important these are to my state-of-mind before we moved abroad.
5) We are not attached to things, but we are attached to each other
We have lived in a generic furnished vacation rental for a couple of years now. I have less stuff than I did in university. The kids have a few toys that they can each count on one hand (plus video games – ugh).
I occasionally long for a kitchen gadget or fall fashion, but otherwise, I have learned that these things don’t make me happy. They are fun, but they have no bearing on my overall enjoyment of life. There is a definite subtlety to my point here. I don’t want to be called a hypocrite when I buy a cute outfit (because I will… and a new Kitchenaid stand mixer), but I am clearer about how these things fit into the overall picture.
What’s up next?
With our default settings completed overhauled and our mis-programmed expectations erased, we are onto a new phase of our journey. One month from today we leave for Canada. We are planning a 75% Canada and 25% travel/Costa Rica lifestyle for awhile.
Why?
Because we are ready to take all these lessons and all the inspiration we have received and move on the next adventure.
Because the kids want to play organized team sports, and Charlie wants to snowboard.
Because we are feeling the need to introduce some Canadian content and more grandparent time into their lives.
Get ready Ottawa, we’re a-comin’ back. I’m excited to continue our location independent life up north!
P.S. I have lots of new Costa Rica stuff planned for 2015-16. Check out the new Travel with Me page above, and tell me what you want from your trip to Costa Rica.
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